Feelings

They say that coma patients can still hear. Brain-scans and such have provided evidence, and so doctors will often encourage their friends and family to talk to them as if they're sitting there not in a coma.

Well, a fat lot of good that does me. The radiation had already taken most of my natural hearing before the coma. I'd guess it's gotten worse, but then I'm in no condition to take a hearing test. And my team wasn't thoughtful enough to put my helmet on with its built-in amplifiers. So here I lie, physically deaf in my comatose state. Prisoner of my body.

...I wonder if it's like this for elderly coma patients? "Grandma, if you can hear me... we love you very much and want you to know we're taking care of your house." "What? Put my hearing aids back in, stupid kid!"

But I've got an edge on granny. I'm an empath. Able to sense the emotions, feelings, and moods of people around me. Before I was in this stupid coma, if I was "open", nobody could sneak up on me. Everyone's always feeling something. Well... almost everyone. And certain people... well, I can feel certain people a mile away.

Okay, that's an exaggeration, but only on the range.

I can tell when Mason is in the room. Sometimes I can sense him in the hall. Usually the first thing I feel from him is the fear. Fear is a more complex emotion than most give it credit for. Nathan brings the whole fear package to the table. Fear of loss. Fear of mortality. Fear of inadequacy. Fear of... "what's out there". There's love in there, too. Tainted and made tentative by the fear, unfortunately, but it's there. Friendship love and bonded love. Not blushing teenage "romantic" love. Thank God. 'Cause I don't think I could take sensing that in my current state.

And the anger. Always seething just below the surface or kept in check by the love and the fear. But it's there. Like a pulsing heartbeat or a low bass rumble. Orange and hot.

Have I ever mentioned describing what an emotion feels like to a non-empath is like trying to describe "red" to a person blind from birth?

Oh, speaking of red... Fyre... Alexandra... I can feel her the moment she enters the building. She is a complex bouquet of emotional states. She'd probably be really irritated if she knew I was sensing her like this. She never did like my mental powers. But since I can't see, hear, or touch her... well, this is the only sense I've really got left to me. And I'll be damned if I'm going to endure this... this prison without being able to sense her. I love her and there's nothing I can do about it but take in her emotional states as they flicker and dance around me and picture her as she sits there.

You know, I bet she talks to me a little. Probably not much, though. I'd try to guess what she was talking about based on her emotional state, but... well, she might be talking as she goes through her feelings, but she might not. She might just be sitting there thinking about stuff.

She's as fiery beneath the surface as she is above it, you know. Flickering from anger to fear, love to irritation, worry to hate. Being around her, even in this state... it's intoxicating. Like... the empathic version of a Michael Bay film. So much going on. So much to take in.

But she's rarely in the room alone. I mean, physically she probably is alone with me a lot. But Fyre is never really alone. Like sulfur in the nostrils, I can sense the demon that plagues her. Sometimes strong, sometimes distant. But he's almost always there.

And then there are the times where I'm alone. Especially at night. If I strain, I can feel the sickness in the floors above me. The fear. And it starts to get to me, you know? This whole... I can't see, I can't hear, I can't move thing. I can't stand it. Sometimes I just want to let go. Get it over with. Move on or whatever. But I can't. There's some... barrier. I'm not done in this life? There's something more for me to do? But what? I mean, what the hell can I do for anybody in this condition? Why can't I wake up? Why am I stuck in this useless shell? Let me out! Help me! Somebody! I'm trapped in here! God, why can't I wake up!?

...breathe, Jason... breathe...

I'm scared. And in my more lucid moments, I remember that my fear brings out the ghosts. Probably scaring the socks off some hapless janitor. Or getting in the way of my team as they try to work. Geez, I hope they know what the dead guys are all about. Fyre must've explained it to them by now. Yeah, she wouldn't forget.

Fyre... heh. I probably flood the room when she's around or I'm thinking about her. If anybody knew I was down here, my room would probably be declared the most romantic spot in Paragon. It's hard for me to broadcast in this condition but some feelings are too strong to contain. I wonder if she feels it? My empathic equivalent of hugs, roses, and soft music. Maybe she doesn't recognize it as coming from me. No way to really tell since I can't ask her.

If only I was strong enough to do more than perfume the air with my emotions. Give Nathan a phantom hot-foot or something. He wouldn't recognize it for what it was, though. Too distracted. I mean, it's good he's thinking about somebody else. He needs that. Spends entirely too much time thinking about himself, and that's when he gets in trouble.

Maybe Frosty is the one I need to give the hot-foot to. Then Mas would jump up and do something about it.

Oh, I can feel her coming again... my fiery angel... my love and my comfort... Fyre... Fyre, I want out of here... can't you tell I'm trapped in here? You've got to get me out! Fix me! Let me live or let me die! I want out! Anybody!? Help me!

S.O.S... Help me... somebody...

(("One", Metallica, And Justice For All))